I typically don’t pour my feelings out, but today is a different day… Three weeks ago our lives have hit a pause button and we are slowly loosing track of time. Although we are all handling it differently, we are all living in fear of loosing our mama.
Our mom has been sick for about two months, getting bronchitis first and a severe tooth infection soon after, one after another. The antibiotics and painkillers were not helping and she was getting weaker and weaker. It got the point where she walked around the house holding on to the walls, constant nausea, vomiting, and extreme fatigue. Now, I know you’re thinking, “Why didn’t you take her to the hospital?” If you know anything about our stubborn mamas, is that they know that they are needed at home and they will work through pain and refuse to go the hospital unless they know they are about to die. Three weeks ago, on Sunday night we drove our mama to the Emergency Room. After all the testing and waiting, one of the doctors came out and told us that he admitted mom into the hospital. The reason, her blood results came back bad and her kidneys are shutting down.
Two weeks went by of constant testing, scanning and guessing what’s going on with mom. Initially they thought it was an infection that caused her kidneys to enlarge 60% their normal size because she was septic, then they thought maybe it was an allergic reaction to something. In addition to her kidneys getting worse, her hemoglobin and platelets kept on dropping. It got to the point where the doctors thought maybe she has a lymphoma or leukemia so they took a bone marrow biopsy. That came back clean. It was frustrating to wait and this guessing game was getting old fast. At this point, the kidney biopsy was the only option to find out what’s going on with the kidneys. After the kidney biopsy we were waiting for a week for the results to come back. They were sent out to a specialist to confirm their suspicion….
Primary Renal Lymphoma….that is mama’s official diagnosis. You would think she should scream, cry, throw stuff, punch walls…none of that followed. With a slight smile mom told the doctors, “Thank you” for the diagnosis. Yep, that is my mama. Always smiling, always polite, always peaceful.
Now I know some people are quick to judge and wonder what did my mom do that God would punish her with such a horrible disease. To those people I will say, “Nothing.” God’s grace is with us every day, and the plain fact that we all live, walk and breathe is His love and mercy to us all. We cannot accept joy, prosperity, success from God as something ordinary, and question Him when troubles come our way. Our mama is the kind of person who forgives the ones that offend her, she loves unconditionally and will always lend a helping hand, even if she is struggling herself. It’s hard sometimes to wrap our heads around what is really going on. It seems unreal at times, but I refuse to think and ask God why did this happen to my mama. I find strength to deal with this situation when I talk to mom. She is at peace with her diagnosis and takes it as God’s mercy and His will. This type of lymphoma is rare and prognosis is usually poor, although the doctors are trying to give us hope. Our lives are in God’s hands, we are simply a clay in the hands of the Master who shapes us into His masterpiece. I do not understand God’s plan, I do not understand why, but I know that God has a plan for mama; whether it is to heal her and give her life or take her into his Kingdom, I know she is safe in His arms.
I thank God for my mama and for every moment He has given me to spend with her. She is a great example to us girls on how to be Godly women, wives and mothers. She has thought us to love our enemies, forgive those who offend us, love unconditionally. I am far from being like her, but she set the bar high for me and I strive to reach it.
We pray that God in His great mercy will give us more time with mama. We still need her wise advise. We still want to see that sparkle of youth in her eyes, that warm beautiful smile welcoming us. We still need her prayers for us, her blessings, her love. My soul awaits you o Lord, my spirit waits in silence for Him to come and take me to the place of peace and honor and until then I await His mercy. All Glory be to God in the highest.
Psalms 33:20-22 Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you.